(This one’s for Radio Free Mormon and Bill Reel)

I was reading an old General Conference talk when I found a very confusing commandment in The Book of Mormon. The speaker was Vaughn J. Featherstone, and the talk was “The Sure Word of God” from the October 1972 General Conference. When he quoted from Alma Chapter 36, something about verse nine suddenly stood out to me in a new way. It’s the story where Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah are going around seeking to destroy the church of God, so an angel appears and they all fall on the ground. The angel tells Alma to get up, preferring to set him straight while he’s on his feet I guess, and then Alma tells us what happened next:

“And he said unto me: If thou wilt of thyself be destroyed, seek no more to destroy the church of God.”

What does the angel mean here? He basically means “stop seeking to destroy the church of God, or you will be destroyed” – right? I’m pretty sure that’s what he means, because in verse 11 Alma confirms it:

“And the angel spake more things unto me, which were heard by my brethren, but I did not hear them; for when I heard the words—If thou wilt be destroyed of thyself, seek no more to destroy the church of God—I was struck with such great fear and amazement lest perhaps I should be destroyed, that I fell to the earth and I did hear no more.”

But here’s the thing; if the angel’s message is that Alma must stop seeking to destroy the church or else he will be destroyed, why doesn’t he say so? After looking at what the angel says more closely, it doesn’t look like he is actually saying what he means. Let’s read the line again:

“And he said unto me: If thou wilt of thyself be destroyed, seek no more to destroy the church of God.”

In other words, isn’t the angel actually saying, if you will destroy yourself, stop trying to destroy the church? So, if Alma wants to destroy himself, he should stop trying to destroy the church? So, if Alma continues to try to destroy the church, then what happens – he doesn’t get destroyed? It seems like Alma could be forgiven if he’d gotten a little confused here, but fortunately for him, he knew exactly what the angel meant, even if it’s not what the angel said.

Maybe Studio C should do a sketch on this.

ANGEL: (In a voice of thunder) If thou wilt of thyself be destroyed, seek no more to destroy the church of God

ALMA: (Stunned silence, then a double-take). Wait, whaaat?

ANGEL: You heard me, stop trying to destroy the church, or else…

ALMA: Or else what?

ANGEL: Or else I’m gonna destroy you. Or, you will be destroyed. Or, thou wilt be destroyed of thyself. Something like that.

ALMA: But that’s not what you said.

ANGEL: It isn’t? What did I say?

ALMA: I think you said if I will destroy myself, I should stop trying to destroy the church.

ANGEL: I did? Well, uh, whatever, you know what I mean.

ALMA: I think so…but I guess I’m still a little confused.

ANGEL: How so?

ALMA: So, if I stop trying to destroy the church, I will be destroyed?

ANGEL: Exactly. Wait, what? No, if you stop trying to destroy the church, that would be good, so I won’t destroy you in that case. If you continue trying to destroy the church, that’s when there’s gonna be trouble.

ALMA: So, you’re not going to destroy me if I stop, but if I don’t stop, that’s when you destroy me, or that’s when I wilt be destroyed of myself, right?

ANGEL: Exactly.

ALMA: But you can see why I was confused now?

ANGEL: Oh yeah, definitely. Sorry, I just pulled a double shift over in Jerusalem and I guess I’m a little off my game.

ALMA: I understand. And thanks for talking this through with me. I just wanted to make sure I heard you right.

ANGEL: You know, I appreciate that, I really do.

ALMA: Well, I’m going to fall to the ground in great fear and amazement now.

ANGEL: Oh, that would be great. Thanks again (Alma falls to the ground). Oh, and, little heads up, you might not be able to talk or move or anything for a few days, but if you keep your chin up, everything will turn out ok in the end (nudges Alma’s lifeless body with his toe). Out cold. Man, that was fast. The guy’s a natural. (Blows rapsberry) Jeez, I kind of fumbled my line there, didn’t I? I hope he makes me sound better than that on the plates…

Possible Reasons for the Very Confusing Commandment by the Angel in Alma 36:

• The angel misspoke. Even angels experience a slip of the tongue from time to time.
• Alma got it wrong.
• Mormon got it wrong.
• The seer stone got it wrong.
• Joseph got it wrong.
• Oliver got it wrong.
• There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a perfectly clear and authentic commandment by an angel, but Mormon Mouse is ignorant of the Middle and/or King James English used by angels, and furthermore, he is blinded by his evil, apostate desire to find fault with The Book of Mormon.

Whatever the reason for my current confusion over this particular passage of scripture, after all the thousands of changes The Church has made to The Book of Mormon over the years, it seems like it wouldn’t hurt much, and might even help in some way, if they’d tidy up Alma’s angel’s big line. Maybe try something like this:

“Seek no more to destroy the church of God or thou shalt be destroyed.”

Call me crazy, but I think that sounds a lot better.